Why Does Georgia Suck So Much?

Lately, a lot of people have been wondering, why does the state of Georgia suck so much? Having lived in Georgia for far longer than anyone ought to have to endure, I feel like I can speak to this question with some authority.

Georgia is a Dystopian Hellscape

First of all, Georgia is filled with genetic freaks due to all the inbreeding that happens there. I know, I know, inbred rednecks is a stereotype, and surely I’m exaggerating. No. I’m not. Stereotypes are stereotypes because they are based in reality. Georgia is filled to the brim with genetic freaks. Have you seen the film Deliverance? It is set in Georgia for this reason. Everybody in Georgia enjoys “squealing like a pig”, only UGA bulldogs fans have transmuted this into barking like a dog, but it is the same principle.

Interesting bit of history: This genetic misfortune dates all the way back to Georgia’s founding, when James Oglethorpe had the brilliant idea to create Georgia as a utopia (LOL) but instead created a distopian hellscape. He wanted down-on-their-luck debtors to come to Georgia to get a second chance, but instead, well, only the freaks showed up. In his own words:

“the greatest part of those who have already gone there are nothing but miserable ones both as to their manners and as to their fortunes…”

To this day, this unfortunate legacy of misery still permeates the culture of Georgia. Go to a Wal-Mart there, or a mall, and sit on a bench and just observe the people. They are all beat up freaks, to a person. It’s sad.

Food in Georgia is Bland and Gross

The most celebrated foods in Georgia are grits and boiled peanuts. (I know many associate peaches with Georgia, and the peach is a fine fruit indeed, but people don’t know that almost all of those peaches are exported to more civilized places. Almost no peaches are actually consumed there.)

Okay, so I never mind a spoonful of grits on my breakfast plate, but these freaks in Georgia eat them all the time. I went to a seafood buffet and found a pot of grits on it, and I couldn’t understand that at all, but every single native-born Georgian was spooning that shit on his or her plate like it was the best food ever. Who eats grits like that? Only people in Georgia do that. Thing is, grits are just gruel, a mush, a food to eat when you don’t really care. I’m not exaggerating, either. Warwick, Georgia, has the annual “National Grits Festival”, I shit you not. It’s a festival in which every obese person in the state just walks around sucking cheese grits through a straw.

Don’t get me started on the boiled peanuts. God help me, when I first moved there, I couldn’t believe it. Every town in Georgia has its boiled peanuts vendor parked on the side of the road. Towns so small they have one gas station also has the boiled peanut woman sitting there boiling peanuts and selling them by the bag, and people, my god all the freakish people, pulling up and buying them as if they were crack cocaine. I’m not exaggerating at all. Fuck me, but I don’t understand it. Boiled peanuts are gross. They just are. They’re peanuts boiled so that they get mushy, so just imagine eating a bag full of cold, salty, mushy peanuts, and thinking that its the gods’ ambrosia. Georgians believe this, and I’m not talking about light-heartedly. It’s akin to a religion there. It is the weirdest thing ever.

People in Georgia Talk Like Retards

Water in Georgia is pronounced “Warter”.

Pecan in Georgia is pronounced “Pee-Can”, like a can you take a piss in. It is properly pronounced Pe-cahn. Freaks.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: They say Reesies. No shit. They say Reesies. The apostrophe means nothing to them.

It’s just freakery, all the way down there. Misery on top of misery. That’s why Georiga sucks so much.